As a parent who is self-employed and works primarily from home, in some ways my life hasn’t changed that much over the past two weeks – except that I now have unexpected “work colleagues” occupying the house with me seven days a week. Some of my coworkers are dressed per usual, while others consider boxer shorts and a dressing gown proper business attire. As the Human Resources manager of this operation, I anticipate that I will have to have one of those awkward “personal hygiene” conversations soon. Again.

Yes, I will admit that we are all going a little stir crazy. As an introvert, I am generally faring better than the extroverts in my family. But that doesn’t stop me from getting into my own sort of mischief. These are uncertain and frightening times and people have legitimate reasons for being fearful. At the same time, however, I cannot help but being fascinated by people’s behaviour and finding some much-needed humour in it. These observations have led me to develop a self-assessment tool to help people figure out if they are suffering from the “other” malaise associated with the very serious COVID-19 pandemic we are experiencing: the psychological pestilence known as “Pandemic Pandemonium Panic”.

The PPP Self-Diagnosis Test can be done in the safety of your own home, does not require a medical practitioner or special protective equipment, and will not deplete precious testing swabs. All you need to do is read through the following list and answer yes/no to any symptoms that apply. Ready? Here goes.

Are you experiencing any of the following symptoms:

1. Do you have a two-year inventory of toilet paper in your basement, do a daily inventory count and still feel compelled to buy more?
2. Do you have a two-year supply of alcohol in your basement, do a daily inventory count and still feel compelled to buy more – but you won’t because the toilet paper is taking up too much room?
3. Do you have a two-year supply of tinned food in your basement, do a daily inventory count and still feel compelled to buy more – but you won’t because you can’t find your can opener?
4. Do you have a love/hate relationship with your kids? For example, do you wish the little ones would stay in their rooms once in a while? Or do you wish the teenagers would come of their rooms once in a while – until they do and then you wish they would stay in their rooms once in a while?
5. Do you have a love/hate relationship with your spouse? Do you wish s/he would stay in the spare room once in a while? Or do you wish s/he would return to your shared room once in a while – until s/he does and then you wish s/he would stay in the spare room once in a while?
6. Do you have a top-secret still in the basement, where you are converting your Moet and Chandon champagne into foaming hand sanitizer?
7. Are you suffering daily nausea from the rollercoaster ride that your investment portfolio and retirement savings have been on? In addition, are you experiencing mood swings according to whether the stock market closed up or down that day? Have you begun searching the sofa for loose change and stuffing money into your mattress?
8. Have you downloaded Zoom onto your computer, even though you’d never even heard of it two weeks ago?
9. Do you miss your boss, even though you’ve never really been a fan?
10. Do you miss the office coffee, even though it tastes terrible, because it was served at meetings?
11. Do you wonder what it would be like to drive the car again, even if it meant being stuck in rush hour traffic?
12. Do you wish you could fill up the car with gas because prices are so low, but your gas tank is still full from your last fill-up two weeks ago?
13. Have you pulled the breadmaker out of mothballs so that you can bake your own loaves? (if only you could find flour to buy.)
14. Are you sticking rigidly to your daily routine of taking a shower at 3:00 PM because your regular bedtime has migrated to 2:00 AM? and
15. Does your fantasy trip for summer 2020 now involve driving to the cottage?

At this point you’ll want to know your score. Unfortunately, I have misplaced the scoring key to the test. I think it may be lost in my toilet paper stash. I’ll let you know when I find it. Could be a while.

In the meantime, take good care of yourself. Check in with your family, friends and neighbours. Read a good book, listen to your favourite music, try out a new recipe. Avoid the news and stock market updates if they make you anxious. Get outside while we are permitted to do so (while maintaining social distancing) and try to exercise regularly. Ready your garden for planting. Use this unexpected “downtime” to prepare your taxes, even if you don’t file immediately. If it’ll cheer you up, look at old photos and/or watch home movies. Take a relaxing bath. Watch a show that will make you laugh (the best medicine!). If you are feeling powerless to help on the frontlines, share a portion of your non-perishable food stash with the local food bank, make a donation to a local women’s shelter (not everyone has a safe home), and/or make an appointment to give blood.

I wish you and your families good health and continued safety.