No, it’s not what you think. My husband was nothing but faithful and loyal to me during our marriage. Unless, of course, you counted his conflicted loyalties to his mother after we first got married. And that brings me to my point.
Several years ago, at the end of summer vacation, my sons and I headed over to their school to check out the class lists for the upcoming school year which were posted outside the school (before this practice was ended for reasons of privacy). As I was reading the list out loud to my boys, my younger son (then the tender age of six) stopped me after a particular name and said, “She’s my girlfriend”. What did I do? Did I laugh? Did I tell him he was too young? Did I tell him it was only puppy love? No, of course not! I did what all wise mothers do: I went home and checked her out in the previous year’s school yearbook.
And that got me to thinking. As my boys get older, I’m going to have to start sharing them with other women. Initially it may be temporary, but eventually I will have to accept that I am no longer the alpha female in their lives.
And then I see it beginning. Instead of checking them out in the yearbook, I will be googling their names to see what I can find out about them. It won’t stop there. I will be following them on Instagram and Twitter or whatever the social media platform of choice will be at that time. If I can’t find them, I will find their parents. You see, my strategy will be to know the “enemy” better than she knows herself.
I know already that I will envy them the beauty that is their youth. I will be jealous of their idealism and anything-is-possible attitude. I will covet them their beautiful legs and fashionable clothing. I will wish to share in their boundless energy, enthusiasm and sense of adventure. And most of all, I will crave the attention and love they will get from my sons. If I succeed, they will suspect none of this. Instead, I will be as welcoming and accepting as I can be. I want them to be comfortable in my home and spend time there because I want my boys to be home from time to time.
And while they are downstairs in the basement doing what young people have done since time immemorial in their parents’ basements, I will be upstairs madly trying to hack into their texts.
NOTE: An edited version of this essay was published in in the April 2020 edition of Neighbours of Windfields magazine. Click here to read it.
Great piece!
You do know what the problem will be…
My boys are grown and married with children and mortgages. I speak from sad experience, since I have seen blossoming romance in the teen and young adult stage.
The problem will be when he brings home a girl that not only he falls in love with but one that you grow to love with all your heart as you would a daughter.
And then it happens – they break up.
Beware. Your heart could be broken. ?
Wise words, Pam! I am just on the front end of this new adventure. …
Great story Marina! You do realize of course your boys will read this and know what you are up to!! I know they are smart – they have probably already read it!
Yes, my boys are aware and at present mostly indifferent! This may change with time, however!! 🙂
So true. It is impossible not to worry about our children’s girl/boy/partner choices.
Pam is quite right. Also having two sons, the girls passed through our lives, came on family
vacations and are preserved awkwardly in family wedding photos. Your choices are not always theirs but in order to keep them close, your choice doesn’t matter. It’s even more important when it gets to grandchildren. If you want them in your life, your negative thoughts about the partner have to be quieted!
We did not have the “research’ methods available when our boys were younger, maybe that was a good thing. It was less stressful. In those famous words,”what we didn’t know, didn’t hurt us.”
It is a great theme, you still have a journey to travel with this one!
A journey indeed, Heather. Fodder for future posts! And I’ll take comfort in the fact that you and Pam seem to have come out the other side safely and relatively unscathed. Wish me luck!