“Mom, Justin and I are dating.”
With that simple statement, I am plunged into a brave new world. A not wholly unexpected new world, but still wholly unknown.
At this point I am still in recovery from the girlfriend Son #1 had brought home just eight weeks earlier and then unceremoniously dumped six weeks later. This was the kid who appeared to be totally disinterested in dating until two months ago and now he has burned through his first relationship and is embarking on his second in short order.
On one hand, I am relieved that his first sub-optimal experience did not jade him completely and that he has had the courage to plunge into a new relationship again so soon. After all, I worried that he would abandon all efforts and never date again. But now it seems he has embraced dating with abandon – and obviously he is not limiting his options either!
In some ways, this same sex relationship is not a surprise. I received an early warning when Son #1 was eleven and I discovered he had been looking up information about different types of relationships. While he was always a curious kid who followed his interest wherever it took him, I had a feeling already then that there was something more underlying this quest for information. During middle school, he was an active participant in his school’s Gay-Straight Alliance.
Son #1 also spent considerable effort educating me on how much the sexual world and terminology had changed since I was a kid. I tried to explain to him that where I grew up, there were no queer people. He, for his part, denied this was true and missed my point entirely: of course there had been people with different dating preferences, but it was simply not discussed or acknowledged when I was his age. Paradoxically, it was exactly around the time that I was beginning to date that AIDS was emerging as a significant public health threat that took its heaviest, but not exclusive, toll on the gay community.
So, after all those discussions, I will admit that I was pleasantly surprised when he turned up with a girlfriend. It’s not that I mind that he has now chosen to date a young man – I had been expecting that reality for a while now. My concern is that even in our modern and open society, there are still individuals who struggle with accepting homosexuality. I know that being gay will potentially make my son’s life just that little bit more challenging at work and potentially more dangerous when he is out and about. As a mother, I just want to protect him and keep him safe, not dictate to him his choice of partner.
But now I must face the new reality. I quickly realize I am out of my depth – but not without resources. One of the first things I do is text a close friend who is gay: I need some guidance and advice. He and his partner have been married almost twenty years and they have a son around the same age as mine. Our families have been friends for over a decade now. We have spent time together at our cottages and homes. We have watched each other’s kids grow up. We all get along extremely well and I love spending time in their company. I know I can obtain solid parenting information and advice from them.
I text my friend and explain the situation. His initial response? He texts me back the icon of the rainbow flag! I laugh and shake my head. But I know a more serious conversation will follow. …
Although pregnancy is thankfully not an issue in Son #1’s relationship, I still worry about the health of my son and his partner. My son and I need to have one of those awkward parent-child conversations that all parents and kids dread. But I feel ill-equipped to handle this one. Same sex relationships are an unknown space for me and I have no specific expertise to offer.
Then again, it occurs to me that ultimately this is just another teenage relationship, so all the usual rules apply. There are the other parents to consider and hopefully get to know – if the relationship lasts past six weeks! There will likely be negotiating late night driving and waiting up for my son to get home. There will be misunderstandings and potential melodrama between my son and his boyfriend, leading to broken hearts. To all of these things I can relate. I guess I may have some wisdom to offer my son after all.
Oddly enough, I feel less apprehensive about meeting the new boyfriend than I was about encountering the new girlfriend. Maybe I am already becoming an old pro at this sort of thing? Nah, not likely after just two months and one previous experience! Instead, I expect I am simply more comfortable dealing with boys since I have two of my own.
In the end, the best I can do is love and support my son. This is his life and he has to live it in his own way. He’ll learn from his mistakes and heartache, just as I did when I was his age.
I hug him and tell him how happy I am that he has found someone special. Then I ask him when Justin is available to join us for dinner. Our new journey has begun.
Hi, Marina
I’m so glad it’s 2020, and not 1987, which is when my older son came out. Wayne and I were not shocked or angry, but so worried.
When our younger son also came out about 10 years later, it was easier. We love our children and want their lives to be good, and, mercifully, that’s certainly easier now.
All the best
Jane
Thanks, Jane! Yes, the 1980s were a scary time. Fortunately I have wonderful families like yours to help make my family’s journey an easier one.
Thanks for sharing your story. I love the way you’re handling these teenage relationship issues! And I agree with Jane, it would be different in so many ways coming out in 2020 than in decades past. At least for some families. As you say, it’s all about supporting him in his choices after all.
Yes, this certainly would have been far more challenging in times past. Ultimately it’s about supporting my kids in making the right choices for their lives – what loving parent doesn’t want their kids to be happy and fulfilled? Thanks for reading and commenting, Jane!
It’s great we live in the age that we do. I remember the ‘80’s and the scary world that was.
I’ve had little experience with this, save for a TG nephew. But I watch and learn and accept from the fringes.
But I can tell you are a great Mom, he is a wonderful son, and you and he must have a strong bond between you.
❤️
Thanks, Pam! Definitely a learning curve for this mom, but doing the best I can to support him. Fortunately he makes it a point to make sure I get it right!! 🙂
I am a founding member of a men’s choir (and have, somewhere in California, a gay uncle) – ’nuff said – and have at least a couple of nieces where the Y chromosome is absent in their cohab/dating lives, so despite total personal heterogeny have come to easy terms with modern gender irrelevance. (I still enjoy being from the stoneage where as an XY you hold the door open for the fairer sex, however). It is great that the kids today don’t have the stigmas we grew up with. I almost think it’s more than that, though; that we’re the ones still wanting to label this and that;. They just don’t care, and love more openly than we ever did. Regardless, it is clear that Son #1 lives in a caring and openminded household, and you should be justly proud as a loving Mom.
Thanks, Chris! Yes, I am glad that our children are growing up in a more accepting and open society than we did. Hopefully this will make their lives a little easier to navigate.
Life is not linear, as this year has surely proven!
You are very caring and capable Mother and have a loving home where your son feels comfortable to share his feelings. Well done.
As I know you know, we parents can only love our kids and support them as best we can on their path through life. Thank you for the vote of confidence, Heather. 🙂
Marina … children unfortunately don’t come with an instruction manual but now having the experience of having brought up 3 sons can tell you are absolutely doing it right! Of course there will be hiccups and some hair raising experiences along the way! How boring life would be without them!
Keep up the good work and you’ll continue to experience the joy that each child brings and they in turn will mature and become loving adults no matter which route they follow.
Been there done that!!!
Ah, the voice of experience! And wisdom. Thanks for the vote of confidence, Charlotte.