Viruses are funny things – funny strange, not funny ha-ha. They have elements of life (such as DNA/RNA and protein), but aren’t properly alive without being inside a host organism. The existence of viruses was only posited as recently as the 1890s, and it wasn’t until the 1930s that scientists could actually obtain images of them using the newly invented electron microscopes. As we can all personally attest to by now, they are an amazing and terrifying aspect of our life on Earth.

Still, for something that has no consciousness, viruses are devilishly clever about infecting and replicating themselves in a host population – and then morphing into new, sometimes more infectious variants. While the SARS-CoV-2 virus is simply evolving in its Darwinian way, I must say I have come to have a grudging respect for this submicroscopic critter. The term “going viral” has taken on a whole new meaning, and I think businesses could learn lessons from the effectiveness of the spread of COVID-19 over the past 18 months or so.

As someone who studied Commerce and then spent years working in the corporate world, I cannot help but imagine the conversation taking place around the completely imaginary table in the Executive Boardroom of the top-secret Virus Corporation Headquarters right now:

Virus Corporation’s CEO opens the meeting, “So the Flu Department is having a bad year. After our auditors did some forensic investigations, it’s obvious the Coronavirus Division has eaten significantly into the market share of our Flu operations.”

There is a mix of groans and muted clapping from around the table in the wood-paneled boardroom.

“Yes, the Coronavirus Division has outperformed the Flu operations in even its best years,” states the triumphant-sounding Head of Coronavirus. Everyone in the room knows this is an internal grudge match that has been going on for millennia. ‘We have taken the common cold to a whole new level!” she boasts happily.

The Head of Flu glares across the table and says defensively, “Well, if you take the cumulative results over the centuries, we are still ahead. Think about the outcome of just the Spanish Flu!” She looks up reverently at the photo of the Head of the Flu Division during the years 1918 to 1920 that hangs on the wall of the boardroom.

“That’s over a century ago!” the Coronavirus Division Head rejoinders, not even veiling her contempt.

“Enough!” the CEO interjects. “We all work for one corporation. We need to focus on our bottom-line results. Teamwork throughout the whole organization is paramount.”

The CEO continues, “Now, the worst thing we can do is become complacent. Those Humans are almost as wily as we are. Are we sure there isn’t any corporate spying going on?” He looks at his Head of Intelligence Operations.

“We are testing our security protocols and running tests on our IT systems daily, more frequently as required. To date we haven’t detected anything nefarious. The fact remains that the Humans are pooling their resources and putting their brightest minds on battling Coronavirus.” He pauses and adds reflectively, “We may have overreached this time. They had gotten complacent and were becoming used to our annual Flu campaigns. But they panicked when our new Coronavirus campaign was rolled out.”

The CEO nods his head and adds, “Yes, we’ve noted that response from the Humans as a consideration for future product development and rollout. Sometimes stealth is more successful. In the meantime, what is the latest update on their vaccination development?”

“Our virus operatives located in the Humans’ labs indicate that they are making progress. Their new mRNA technology seems to be a game changer,” the Head of Intelligence Operations replies. “Feels like shades of Ebola.”

“We’re on it!” interjects the Head of Research and Development. “We’ve been releasing several new upgraded variants of Coronavirus into the community. The B117 version is taking over the original strain wherever it’s been introduced – it’s way catchier. We are introducing new custom-made variants in other parts of the world as well – a multi-faceted approach that will surely confound the Humans and bring success. Our Continuous Improvement section is working overtime on finetuning additional new variants. It’s an arms race against the Humans and their science – at this stage we are remaining ahead of them. But we certainly need to watch our backs.”

There is prolonged silence around the table. Everyone is recalling a dark chapter in corporate history that occurred in the mid 20^th century. At the time, the company had included a Bacteria Division, part of a larger corporation then called Incurable Diseases Inc. After the Humans had discovered and started using antibiotics effectively, this division was sold to a competitor that specialized in more benign diseases. The truth was that the Bacteria Division had no longer fit within the mandate of the larger corporate entity. Thereafter, the downsized company was renamed Virus Corporation. Its new motto was, “The Possibilities are Endless.”

The CEO abruptly breaks the silence, “So how are the employees holding up at this point?”

The Chief of Human Resources clears her throat before replying, “Mixed situation. Everyone is generally pumped about the overall success of the corporation, but morale varies by division. The staff in the Coronavirus Division are exhausted and mostly running on adrenalin and coffee right now. By comparison, the Flu employees are comparatively well rested this year, but feeling pretty flat emotionally – they know their bonuses are going to be lower than usual. I have been discussing with the Flu managers the idea of temporarily reassigning selected personnel to the Coronavirus section in order to do some cross-training – Coronavirus could use the help and it’s a great learning opportunity. Of course, the Coronavirus managers are pushing back, as it will take away time from frontline work to train the newbies. But, as I keep pointing out, it’ll save them time in the long run and support the succession plan for the corporation overall.”

The CEO glares at the Head of Coronavirus, “Get your people on board! May I remind you – and everyone else in this room, for that matter – that having high skilled workers and a duplication of skill sets is one of our core corporate values.”

For the first time since the meeting began, the Head of Coronavirus looks a little abashed, “Yes, I’ll get on it right away, Boss!” She looks across the table at the Chief of Human Resources and adds, “How about we meet later today to discuss best approaches to making this a success?” HR nods her head – truth is, she’s been wanting this meeting for weeks now. Good thing she’d had that quiet pre-chat with the CEO.

“OK, we’re almost through the agenda,” the CEO says. “Any updates from Marketing?”

“We are holding the course. Our strategy seems to be working fairly well so far. We’ve successfully continued to sow dissent between the politicians and the scientists. The economists are perplexed, baffled even. The academics are having a field day, doing all sorts of research and writing books – the usual for them. Basically our campaign strategy of confusion and contradiction is going well. Our plan to release only a little information at a time has been hugely successful.” She sits back and crosses her arms.

“Excellent work!” the CEO intones. “So … any other items of business? No? OK, meeting adjourned. We’ll reconvene this group on Wednesday morning. Thank you all – keep up the good work!”

As the boardroom empties, the CEO looks up at the wall featuring the pictures of past corporate heroes who had led the company to infamy and thinks to himself, “I wonder if it’s too soon to get my photo taken?”

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Despite this irreverent poking of fun at our current circumstances, ultimately there is nothing funny about the situation through which we have all been living for over a year now. All too many people have died. Many other individuals have suffered in innumerable ways – job and income loss, family breakdown, isolation and mental illness, long-haul symptoms for many who have survived being ill with the virus, and much more. Hopefully we will learn the hard-earned lessons of the past months and be better prepared in future. In the meantime, we need to hold fast and work cooperatively until the pandemic runs its course and mass immunization can make the world a safer place again. Please stay safe and be well.