Women “of a certain age” all recall the joyful hours of playing with Barbie as little girls. Don’t deny it! We could not wait to get the next sparkly outfit or special accessory for Barbie and her boyfriend Ken – in all the glowing pink and pastel colours of their glamorous California lifestyle. Except, as a little girl, I did not know I was being indoctrinated into that culture. What I did know is that I wanted to wear real-life shoes like Barbie’s.

I still have clear memories of going across the street with my sister to “play Barbies” with our neighbour. She had all the “cool” stuff – Barbie’s ranch-style house and her camper with the foldout canopy. She also had a Ken doll. Our contribution was extra outfits – guess our mother balked at the exorbitant prices (even then) for acquiring the “Barbie lifestyle” or maybe she was just fed up with the upset that ensued in our household whenever she inadvertently sucked up all the little shoes and other accessories into the vacuum cleaner. In the meantime, my sister, our friend and I would make up all manner of scenarios and act out our little girl fantasies about being all grown up like Barbie. I guess you could call that creative play? Certainly, we didn’t have the option of tech diversions beyond television, which was strictly controlled by our vigilant parents.

Now, with the release of the new Barbie movie by Greta Gerwig, my BFF and I were discussing our memories and the “traditional” values that were being instilled in us as girls, unbeknownst to us. Certainly in retrospect we don’t appreciate the fact that we were being taught about appearance, fashion and aspirational conformity over more substantive matters like smarts, careers and diversity. On the other hand, Ken truly did seem to be an accessory to Barbie’s whims and came across to us, even as girls, as an attractive milquetoast rather than a particularly interesting or engaging male. It does seem unlikely that Ken would ever have been accused of expressing “toxic masculinity” or of being a #MeToo offender, so I guess it wasn’t all bad.

While deconstructing our Barbie experiences, my BFF and I hit on a brilliant (if we do say so ourselves!) idea for a new marketing plan for Mattel: Middle-Aged Barbie. So, what would that entail? I can assure you that we had lots of fun with that!

For starters, Barbie’s outfits would all need to be made of stretchy fabrics to ensure comfort throughout the day for a waist that is less wasp-like and has become more like that of a panda’s. After all the years of wearing those sexy but painful stiletto heels, her shoes would, of course, be flat to accommodate the bunions blossoming on both feet. Orthotics would be an upgraded option, at extra charge naturally. And every outfit would come complete with a big but oh-so-fashionable sunhat to prevent further sun damage after the years of overexposure to the California sun – after all, even Barbie’s very skilled plastic surgeon can only do so much to eradicate the ravages of radiation and time.

As for Ken, this would now be Husband #2 Ken. He too would be paunchier. He would also feature that George Clooney/Brad Pitt three-day stubble in an attempt to distract from his shaved head because Barbie just won’t tolerate a combover. Some of his accessories would include a gold-plated pension plan, a retirement home somewhere in the Caribbean, a midlife-crisis red convertible and an ex-wife. Ken’s therapist sold separately.

Here are some additional suggestions on items that would make Middle-Aged Barbie‘s life more comfortable and convenient:

• A CPAP machine to give her a better night’s sleep. This in turn would mean that the days of travelling by air with just a carry on are over. Check out the “Travel Accessories” section for a wide selection of roller suitcases that can safely be checked in – oversized charges may apply;
• Hormone-replacement medication would be another essential item. The small portable fan to help cool the hot flashes would be complementary – offered in hot pink to match the hue of Barbie’s face for when she breaks into an uncontrollable sweat;
• A splint to wear to on her right hand for the Carpal Tunnel Syndrome developing from too much texting. For Runner Barbie, a knee brace would be strongly recommended. These items might be subsidized by the government if she were prepared to do all the paperwork involved;
• Being the influencer and social media darling she is, Barbie should not be without her social media accounts. If she were to parlay these into successful ventures, the money earned from her YouTube and TikTok videos would help offset the cost of all her other expensive accoutrements;
• No self-respecting influencer would be without her own clothing line, perfume or makeup brand. In Middle-Aged Barbie’s case, this would be her special line of activewear called “Barlates,” which her acolytes could wear to engage in Pilates, yoga or ballet. Of course, since Barbie is environmentally engaged, all items would be made from recycled plastic harvested from the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. Take that, anyone named Kardashian!
• Now past the stage of hanging out with Ken in her camper, Barbie would have turned to glamping. Why not buy her an oversized tent filled with a king-sized bed, hot tub and wine cooler?
• Last but not least, Barbie would by now be a grandmother, so you could buy her a passel of children. If your Barbie opted to remain kid-free, perhaps you would enjoy the Pet Package? Failing that, there is Career Barbie, Travel Barbie, Philanthropy/UN Ambassador Barbie or any number of other variations of non-traditional life choices.

I don’t know about you, but my BFF and I have made plans to go see the Barbie movie together. As it turns out, neither of our Kens would agree to come along. How times have changed!

This post is dedicated with love to Faith, Sue and Jane – may you always have enough sparkles and frosted blue eyeshadow!