I used to have a life. I went out with friends regularly. I attended shows and ate dinner out. I travelled. Then I got married and did even more of the same.

And then something planned happened. I had kids. Very much wanted and loved kids. My life changed. For a time I gave up my job and having my own money. I stopped going out except to playdates. Travelling got more stressful and a lot more expensive. This was OK. I had chosen this new life, half knowing what I was getting into. After all, isn’t parenthood always a leap of faith?

But then something not-so-planned happened. My parents aged while my kids were still young. I’m not sure what I expected, but it wasn’t this. It wasn’t in the plans and I definitely did not sign up for this.

Anyone who has spent time in the corporate world will be familiar with the concept of organizational charts. These are diagrams that denote who is officially responsible for authority and power. Decision making traditionally flows from the top down.

In a family situation, the closest thing to an organization chart is a family tree. As in a corporate situation the authority in a traditional family is expected to flow from the top – from your parents to you to your children and so on. So the family organization chart looks as follows:

However, at some point (usually just as you are hitting your midlife crisis), this theory begins to break down. The chart begins to get a bit ambiguous. Decision-making power becomes a little mixed up.  The arrows start to face the wrong way – or at least begin to point in both directions. And before you know it, all the boxes have moved and the authority has turned upside down. It’s a grassroots uprising. An “Occupy Mom” movement. And I do mean occupy. The updated family organization chart now looks like this:

This configuration reminds me of the Old West, where the pioneers would circle their wagons to protect themselves from outside threats such as wild animals. And while you have now been placed inside the safety of the wagons, this is no benign protective barrier. Oh no! You are in reality being held captive. It suddenly hits you that the sweet loveable members of your family have conspired to make you their prisoner. There are no locks or iron bars – their means of control are love and dependence, and they are using your sense of loyalty and responsibility against you. It’s a classic torture technique – using your family as leverage – but since when do loving families use it on their own members?

OK, I get it – they need me. Or they think they need me. For my part, I KNOW they need me. So I give up. I surrender. I can see that resistance is futile. And I do feel safe and protected inside my family’s circled wagons. I have become a middle manager. That is, I have learned to manage FROM the middle. One last question though – If I am supposed to be feeling safe and protected within the circled wagons while sitting by the campfire, why does it so often feel like I’m sitting IN the fire?

Welcome to the Jam Gen!