In order to have an informed dialogue about a particular subject or line of thought, it is important that everyone be clear on what specific words mean in that context. Members of the Jam Gen are no exception. We have appropriated everyday words and imbued them with their own tortured meaning.
In that vein, I offer up the following definitions of some common words from the world of business that need clarification in the context of being sandwiched between one’s children and parents. These are some of the more common words you will hear Jam Genners spewing out.
Inventory – Knowing precisely how much and what type of candy your child collected at Halloween so you can manage consumption until the new “shipment” arrives during the holidays in December.
Commission – The parent’s share of the Halloween candy.
Investment – Purchasing a gym membership now in order to reduce your medical expenses later in life.
Offshore Investment – Purchasing a vacation home or timeshare in a warmer part of the world. And then buying a gym membership while there.
Share – Discussing the contents of your will with your children, starting around age two.
Bond – The loving connection you forge with your children today in the hope that it will be returned, with interest, in future.
Forecast – 1. While your kid is still a toddler, attempting to figure what s/he will do for a living later in life. About as accurate as the financial variety of predicting the future. 2. Projecting how much money you will need in old age so you don’t outlive your savings. About as accurate as the meteorological variety of predicting the future.
Stress Test – Babysitting your neighbours’ rambunctious triplets while the kids’ parents are at the hospital awaiting the arrival of their next child.
Debt – Remortgaging your house at a cutthroat interest rate so that your kids can attend college and graduate debt-free, in the hope that they will hold down well-paying jobs so they can contribute to the public pension so that you can receive old age security and pay off your house. After all, they OWE you!
Asset – 1. An affectionate way of referring to your burgeoning rump in the hope of minimizing its size (alternate spelling “assette”). 2. Having parents who will take the grandkids for a weekend while you and your spouse fly off to your vacation property/timeshare (see definition for “Offshore Investment”).
Liability – Taking a young child, minus the spouse or nanny, along on a work trip.
Management – Doing whatever it takes, ethical or not, to get through to the next good night’s sleep.
Human capital – Threatening to monetize (i.e., sell) your children in order to get them to behave (see definition for “Management”).
Change – Watching your adorable child morph into a sullen teenager and hopefully, eventually, with luck, into a responsible and likable adult.
I hope that helps clarify the apparent nonsense you may have heard coming out of the mouths of so many middle-aged people. Mastering the effective use of this jargon takes years of experience and represents a badge of honour, not a sign of insanity. Although, come to think of it, there are days when I have difficulty telling the difference.
Now please excuse me as I prepare for a visit to my investment in order to work off my asset due to overindulgence in my commission.
