In the world of marketing, there is a concept called the Product Life Cycle. Each stage has its own particular characteristics and the model is generally depicted as follows:

• 

In a similar vein, childhood also has its various stages of development. Much is made of a child’s first step, first word, first day starting school and similar, which provokes much joy, pride and/or anxiety in the parents – depending on when each child reaches these milestones.

I, however, prefer to turn this concept on its head and think of it from the parents’ point of view. On that basis, I have developed my own “life cycle” theory of parenthood in the context of movies and the cinema:

1. Stage One (The Complete Blackout Stage) – This stage lasts from birth to about age four. This is the period during which you suddenly have no life and no sleep. You obsess about your child’s eating and sleeping habits and worry about if they are developing normally and on time. The kids are too young to take to a movie and you are too tired to bother anyway. The parents are lucky to get any type of night out and can’t enjoy it because they are worried about the babysitter and how much the babysitting will cost. So you end up with this black hole of three to four years where you have no idea what is playing in the cinema. The Oscars are a mystery and you fall asleep watching them anyway.
2. Stage Two (The Disney and Pixar Years) – This is the pirates and princesses stage, which starts around age four and lasts approximately five [hundred] years. “Let It Go” and other Disney tunes are the soundtrack of your nightmares. Your house is full of the merch – a trip to the Disney store is considered a family excursion, which can easily kill several hours and hundreds of dollars. You find yourself discussing the merits of the films and their leading characters with other parents and speculating on which films will have sequels just to stay sane. You know what time every matinee starts and run unplanned into friends with small children at the cinema.
3. Stage Three (The Superhero/Science Fiction Period) – This new phase emerges around age eight or nine and can last well into the teenage years (or forever in those who choose not to progress beyond this stage). This is the time when Lightning McQueen gets replaced by a lead character who actually moves faster than the speed of light. 3D is important. Special effects and CGI are important. Loudness is important. Plot and character development are, um, unnecessary. You find yourself discussing the merits of the films and their characters and speculating on which films will have sequels with your kids just to stay sane because it’s one of the few times they’ll actually talk to you. Your kids own all the related video games. They watch outtakes and bloopers on Youtube. They listen to the soundtrack with their earbuds in, but cranked up so loud that you know exactly what they are listening to. Mostly you just feel overstimulated.
4. Stage Four (The Driving Stage) – Welcome to the teenage years! You no longer attend the movies, you just drop off your kids and their friends at the theatre. You are simply a means of transportation, a conduit. On a good day, maybe you are allowed to watch another movie in a separate theatre at the same time, but normally this is not permitted. All the movies apparently are “good” because that is the only information you can get out of your teenagers when you ask what they thought of the movie. Your kids and their friends discuss the movies in language that is completely impenetrable to you, although apparently they are still speaking English.
5. Stage Five (The Complete Blackout Stage Revisited) – By now your kids have either left home and/or are driving themselves. Your kids go to movies without any assistance from you whatsoever. You don’t know what they saw, who they went with or who they went home with. This period lasts at least 30 years and often much longer.
6. Stage Six (The Driving Stage – Part Two) – You have now reached a point where you would prefer not to drive and search for a parking space in the crowded mall lot. Your kids drop you to the cinema and very kindly drive you home again afterwards. You tell them the movie was “good”, even if it wasn’t, because you need them to drive you the next time.

With the advent of streaming services like Netflix and Amazon Prime, perhaps new parents have an advantage over my “turn of the millennium” experiences and can keep up better with new film releases during Stage One (although I suspect the exhaustion factor remains a reality).

As for me, I’m still working through the movie stages of parenthood and am presently “enjoying” Stage Four – staying up past my own usual bedtime so I can pick up the kids at 11:00 PM and drive home their friends. I can hardly wait to take my revenge when I finally reach Stage Six. …