For those of you who have travelled by air, you will be familiar with the glossy magazines the airlines place in the seatback pockets. I idly page through these, less out of interest than to simply pass the time – after all, I am being held captive in my seat and the entertainment system/wifi isn’t working yet.

I must confess to often wondering for which airline passengers these magazines are written. The hotels they feature are always uber-fancy and the restaurants mega-expensive. The locations are so exotic that my odds of getting there are lower than my luggage arriving with me on my current flight. Most of the people I know who fly either do it a couple of times a year for a vacation or else travel frequently on business but are constrained by ever learner expense accounts. …

One of the features that turns up in these high-flying magazines is recommended products to take along when travelling. Alternatively, an article will give you the “inside look” into some celebrity’s or business tycoon’s luggage so that you can marvel at their savvy and sophisticated packing prowess, not to mention their deep pockets.

When I have travelled with my family, I definitely have never carried a silk sleep mask and matching hand-embroidered slippers nor packed a $250 tube of organic unicorn elixir to help reduce wrinkles brought on by jetlag. Instead, Jam Genners (like Boy Scouts) must always be prepared – and practical. On that basis, the things you will likely find in our bags during any outing in our cars and/or on airplanes are as follows:

Tissues – Lots and lots of them. Maybe a whole box dedicated to just the car or the flight. The cheaper, the better (less likely to shred at exactly the wrong moment). Tissues are useful for nosebleeds, tears, scrapped knees, tears, sticky hands from melted ice cream cones, tears, runny mascara, etc. If you want a bit of nostalgia, you can use your mother’s monogrammed handkerchief instead, but that is far less hygienic and ultimately will require the use of an antique object called an iron (incidentally also an item belonging to your mother).

Bandages – Useful for the scraped knees of seniors who have balance issues or general difficulty walking. Or helpful for covering invisible boo-boos belonging to small children. They will also do in an emergency if you need to wax something.

Tylenol – For that omni-present headache. Or the one that’s bound to re-emerge just as an earlier dose of the same medication wears off, almost exactly around the time you pick up your kids from school. Strange coincidence, isn’t it?

Back Medication – Necessary relief for after hoisting an elderly relative into the car or wrestling a tantrummy toddler into his car seat. Then again, driving the car after taking this medication is likely ill-advised, which may mean pulling everyone out of the car again until the effects of the medication wear off. Safety first!!

Plastic Bag – Useful for dealing with the effects of car sickness. Also helpful (due to its slippery properties) for assisting elderly relatives with limited mobility to be pushed, pulled and twisted into place in their car seat. In a pinch, the bag can be used to collect garbage. In extreme situations, it can be used to help subdue panic attacks by breathing in and out of it (as a substitute for a brown paper bag) – so long as you don’t inhale too deeply and it becomes a choking hazard.

Wet Wipes – Too many [gross] reasons to list here. I can’t even think about why I may need so many wet wipes because I need to save that one last plastic bag (see above) for a real emergency, not a case of self-induced vomiting. Moving on. …

Hand Sanitizer – For use after the wet wipes. Just make sure it’s a small enough bottle to sneak past airport security. Shh!

Multi-Purpose Jacket – Yes, a versatile garment that can effortlessly transform from hiking gear into an elegant evening wrap with one quick adjustment. But wait, there’s more! This jacket can be made into a travel pillow. Or it can be flattened into a blanket or tablecloth for a picnic. It can be folded into a basket for when you go fruit picking. Or be used as a child carrier. It could even serve as a parachute if you ever needed that handy item. And, in a pinch, it can serve as a jacket. All while staying wrinkle-free and wicking away sweat. Don’t know if anyone has yet designed this article, but if not, it is definitely a missed opportunity.

Lipstick – Why lipstick, you ask? So that you can at least give the [false] impression of having it all together when you’ve finally arrived at your destination. It helps counteract the negative reaction to the mountain of soppy tissues, bloody bandages and used wet wipes.

In the meantime, I think the airline magazine people should do a feature on what “real” people pack in their luggage when they travel on vacation with three children under age five en route to a Disney resort. Which reminds me: I forgot my earplugs and the Gravol. Darn it, I’ll need to add it onto the list for next time. …