Your shoes fall into one of two categories –
fashionable or functional
You spend more money on facial creams than on
swimwear
A backseat in your new car is not important (you
won’t be using it and you certainly don’t want the kids using it when they
borrow the car)
Being “hot” at the gym has taken on a more
literal meaning
You now know that bleach is for your teeth, not
your hair
You exchange your birth control pills for
hormone replacement pills
You can’t see your feet, but you aren’t pregnant
You notice the sixty-something men are checking
you out and you find it mildly flattering instead of creepy
The most “action” your breasts have seen recently is your last mammogram
You colour your hair to return it to its
original hue
You
will no longer buy an item of clothing unless it contains spandex or lycra
You have a panic attack when you realize you
left your reading glasses at home
Crowns are sparkly things in your mouth, not on
your head
“Thongs” is ALWAYS a type of shoe, not a
category of underwear
Your
kids are asking you to turn down the volume on the TV instead of vice versa
Your Facebook
page is full of weight loss ads
Being hot and sweaty in the middle of the night is
not the result of something erotic
Foundation
now means underwear instead of make-up
Being
addressed as “miss” has become a compliment
You understand
there is a hearing aid in your future because there is too much misunderstanding
You are
more anxious about your kids’ reaction to your date than your parents’
You no
longer harbour the illusion you will ever fit into your wedding dress again
despite the fact you weigh no more than you did on the day of your wedding
You can now spot the cosmetic enhancements of others at fifty paces
Conversations
are as much about your parents’ health as your kids’
You realize
that orthotics are not only for “old people”
You have to scroll down … and down … on those computer pick lists to find your year of birth
One thought on “You Know You Are Middle Aged If …”
Ain’t it the truth!